Posted January 25, 2014 by in Dating

Love Questions Answered: Why Can’t We Continue to Have Sex?

Dear DS Coleman-
My girlfriend and I have dated for over a year and during that time, we both got saved and now we are trying to things the right way. However, I am struggling with the no sex thing. Can you shed some light?

“Sleepless in Seattle”
Dear “Sleepless in Seattle”:

Thanks so much for writing. I want to prayerfully try to help answer your question.

First off, praise God for your desire to serve Him!! That is excellent and know that choosing God’s way is always best in the long run, because He knows best. So, in that vein, I am celebrating your commitment to live in sexual purity. I know that it can be very hard and challenging, but keep fighting to live a life pleasing to God.

With regards to your question about how do you start over and hold back after you’ve given yourself to the other person….and why you shouldn’t have sex now, I offer you this:

To love your girlfriend is to allow her to be the woman of God that He called her to be. That means offering leadership and encouragement to her to live a life that honors God. Therefore, even as much as you may want to be with her sexually, it should come a point where you have too much care and concern for her to cause her to sin. True love (God’s love) is self-sacrificing in that way.

Your courtship could end up being a few months, a year or even two years….and practicing self control during that short time will be sooooo brief compared to the lifetime of marriage that you may one day share. So, keep that in perspective. It’s not “no sex ever”. It’s “no sex for now”.

Your girlfriend’s body (in God’s eyes) doesn’t yet belong to you because you are not married. So, what’s why you shouldn’t continue to have sex. One Bible verse to meditate on is 1 Cor 6:19-20, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” This is God’s view on how we should honor Him with our bodies. And 1 Corinthian 6:18 simply says, “Flee fornication”, so that’s a quick insight into God’s view on sex before marriage. As an additional resource, I would also check out Joshua Harris’ book “Sex is not the problem, Lust is” about practicing purity before marriage. It changed my entire perspective.

Finally, God’s word says, “if you love me, keep my commands”….so it boils down to your own personal walk and commitment to following God. Now, I am not suggesting anything that I haven’t actually done myself, because I am a living testimony that its possible to reclaim purity and stop having sex, even if you have had sex in the past. It will be a process, but its possible and it’s God’s will for your life. It just comes down to whether you want to ask God for the help, strength, accountability and grace to stop being sexually involved or if you want to do your own thing, contrary to God. So, be encouraged and I pray that God continues to speak to your heart about the question you posed.

Be blessed,
DS Coleman

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