Posted November 28, 2013 by in Dating

Love Questions Answered: How Do I Stay Hopeful after a Breakup?

Dear D.S. Coleman-

My question is right after Rasheen declared you guys ‘just friends’, how did you keep from being bitter? I had a situation where a great guy walked into my life. But, much revelation and prayer, we realize weren’t ready for each other at the present time. I understand I have some things I need to work on as an individual before I consider marriage. But needless to say, I’m having issues with being sad and trying to remain hopeful for the future.

“Trying to Stay Hopeful”
My answer:

Dear “Trying to Stay Hopeful”:

Thanks so much for your message! And I appreciate you reaching out. I can definitely empathize with the feelings you mentioned — not only when Rasheen ended our friendship, but also in other past relationships. Rejection, frustration and confusion can all set in after a break up. You can end up wondering what you did wrong and why things didn’t work out. And that’s the point where you have to focus on moving forward so that you don’t get stuck.

After a break up, there is always the hope and possibility of “what if they come running back to you”. However, I think that it’s best to accept that things are over…..and if that changes when it can be a surprise, but if it doesn’t you can still focus on being ok.

To answer your question, I felt hurt, disappointed, confused and upset when Rasheen suggested that we “just be friends” before we got married. It was crushing and it definitely hit me hard. I had hoped that things would work out, so when he said it was over, a million questions rushed through my mind. And mostly, they centered around why things didn’t work out. I thought that we were destined for marriage, so my dreams were dashed and that upset me. I had to do something with those emotions and so I focused on praying for Rasheen. I believe those prayers were as much for him as they were for me. Because it was only in prayer that I was able to release those frustrated feelings to God and also release Rasheen from the expectations of what I thought he should be to me. I had to release the vision that I had conjured in my mind and process those feelings in prayer and just ask God for strength to heal and get on.

That process is what brought healing and allowed me to get over the offense of him ending things. But that process also what brought hope….because it reminded me that God was in control and that He could still give me a great ending. I honestly had let it go of the expectations I set in my mind around marriage. I came to terms that it was over. And while I had no idea that Rasheen would ever walk back into my life, I was convinced that I couldn’t stay in that place of hurt. I had to move on and in time I was healed….and that is what set me free. Ultimately, it was time alone with God that gave me healing. So, months and month later when he came back, I had no animosity in my heart and I was pleasantly surprised. Obviously, every breakup doesn’t end up like this, but I think the process should be the same. Letting go. Trusting God. Finding a place of peace – no matter what happens.

So, sis – I just encourage you to stay in God’s presence and remember that just because it didn’t work out with one person doesn’t mean it won’t work out with another. A delay is not denial. What may look bleak today could be the very stepping stone that sets you up for destiny.  God will speak to you and continue to give you strength for the journey, so hang in there.

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