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Posted November 23, 2013 by in Dating
 
 

Love Questions Answered: How Do I Build Intimacy In My Relationship Without Sex?


Hi D.S. Coleman- I was really touched by your article on Courtship, and it gave me a much clearer perspective on things. My boyfriend informed me that we are at the Courtship stage of our relationship. I was unsure of what that fully meant, until I read your article. To my understanding, there is no kissing, hugging, cuddling, and of course NO sexual intercourse in a Courtship and that is fine. However, my concern is how do you become attached to an individual if there is no intimacy at all? How do I look beyond the physical and fully focus on the person I may possible marry? I am new to the idea of Courtship, while I just “dated” in my past. Please help me understand how I give all of myself to a person without thinking in terms of the physical.
~Intimacy in Relationships

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Dear “Intimacy in Relationships”-
Thanks so much for your message. wanted to take a sec to respond to your questions.

How do you become attached to an individual if there is no intimacy at all?

The answer here is easy: God does the weaving of your hearts together and you dont have to try to become attached with sex before marriage or by crossing other sexual boundaries. As you guys continue to get to know each other and grow together, God will produce a supernatural bond and level of intimacy that you could never have accomplished yourself. It will be like what the bible says: you will be like 3 Cords of Rope that are not easily broken. You + Your Boo + God = Intimacy. If you and your beau commit your relationship to God, He will be with you (Ecc 4:12). So, have faith that God will do it.
 
 How do I look beyond the physical and fully focus on the person I may possible marry?

You do this by getting to know your beau’s character, having lots and lots of conversations, spend time together. In other words, try to get a glimpse of his soul. Who is he? What does he stand for? Where does he struggle? What are his dreams? What makes him tick? Why might God be bringing you two together? How do your individual purposes and destinies align? By focusing on the essence of who he is, you take the focus of the physical. And then you need to put some boundaries in place to protect against sexual/ physical temptations. Check out my book for practical tips on doing this.

Please help me understand how I give all of myself to a person without thinking in terms of the physical.

Giving all of yourself physically is a gift reserved for marriage. So, I would 1st say pray to ask God to renew your mind in terms of your concept of relationships and to allow you to see it through his eyes. Giving yourself physically is definitely important in marriage, but not so much at this moment. That’s not the way God designed it. Period. I think there can be hugs or hand-holding, and you have to pray to see if kissing can be a distraction or could lead to sex. You and your beau have to figure out the boundaries to set that leads to God-honoring relationships.

Overall, just focus on sharing who you are with him: your heart, your deepest thoughts, your dreams. Get in touch with the most intimate parts of yourself and share those non-physical, but utterly important things with him. That’s how you build intimacy in communication and sharing that works for the long haul and builds a lasting relationship. In this season, biblically speaking, you’re not called to give of all yourself physically, but to share who God make you to be.

Does all this make sense? Feel free to reach back with questions you may have. Prayer is your best teacher, so when things don’t make sense, talk to God and be will guide you.

Blessings to you,
D.S. Coleman

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