Posted November 6, 2013 by in Features

How I Lost Myself in a Man, But Found Myself In God

This post came from a friend of mine who shared her story of disaster, then triumph. Names have been changed to protect privacy, but I hope that her story inspires you as much as it inspired me.

My name is Michelle* and here’s my love journey:

I had it all: M.D. behind my name, keys to my own place, and a whip that I bought. But, there was only one thing missing – my man’s heart. Although we’d been together for 7 years, he hadn’t proposed and I was losing hope that my happily ever after would ever materialize. So when he asked me to move in with him, I was secretly ecstatic. To him, it was an effort to save money, but to me, it was the perfect sequence to execute my personal agenda: “Operation-Get-A-Ring”. Although I was a successful woman, having it all just wasn’t quite enough without Mrs. added to my name. So, I started a masterful plan to get his attention and prompt a marriage proposal. There were indirect and then not so subtle cues, hints and innuendos to convince him that I was marriage material. All the while, I was trying to mask the desperation behind my efforts. After all, this-was-it. I had spent my college years bunned up with this guy and now that I was pushing 30, it was too late to turn back. I had already invested so much.

So, for me, moving in together represented being one step closer to the altar. And it provided me with an opportunity to “audition to be a wife”. This was my last ditch attempt to show Kyle* that I could be everything he needed me to be. So, I sprung into action and became “Molly Homemaker”. I cooked, cleaned and meticulously organized the house to give him a preview of what marriage to me would be like. And even though I was no car, I was giving him a chance to test drive to see if he wanted to get in the driver’s seat as my husband. You would think that 7 years would have provided ample time for him to conclude that I was “The One”, but sadly it had not. Nevertheless, I persisted with Operation-Get-A-Ring and did everything in my power to set up house, even though we weren’t married. I was unfortunately blinded by love.

Lucky for me, a friend told me about a Pre-Marital class that I thought would seal the deal on our engagement. So, I convinced Kyle that we should enroll. We did and it was disastrous. In the class, they talked about the inseparable God-centered bond of “Covenant Relationships” and how the man is supposed to honor his wife with respect, love and admiration. I learned that the job of my husband-to-be was to keep me, as his potential wife, spiritually. And I was devastated because there’s no way he could have possibly kept me spiritually after 7 years of sex without having me as his wife. And now that I was shacking up, I felt even lower. I realized that if he honored me in the way that God intended, he would have married me and we could have done it “right”. And even if there wasn’t money for a wedding, we could have gone to the courthouse, made it official and then saved together as husband and wife for a wedding. That would have been the honorable thing to do and at least that way, I could have had things right before God. But now, I was a hot mess. My perfect world was unraveling right before my eyes and I was slowly falling apart.

For the first time, I had to examine my own self. I looked in the mirror and I saw a woman who didn’t feel worthy of good things. I was trying to force someone to love me and what does that say about me? I was trying to coerce this man into being something that he obviously didn’t want to be and I felt desperate and alone. This was my breaking point. The more that I thought about it, the more confused I became. I didn’t know whether to leave or stay and God met me right there in my craziness. He began to show me who I was and that no man, no job or any material possession defined me. He encouraged me that I deserved better. And then, God lovingly gave me a swift kick in the behind. He knew that I wanted to be obedient to His word, but that I would have a hard time walking that out. So, he allowed me to find out an ugly truth that would give me the strength to walk away from it all.

I found out that Kyle had been cheating on me for the majority of our relationship. Lies, cheating and deceit.


It blew up in my face and just like that, it was over.

I packed my stuff with no money and no job, but with a resolute spirit to trust God. I walked away and never looked back.  It was the best decision I ever made. That day was the beginning of my healing. And that day, God reaffirmed my value, my beauty, and my worth. He also redefined my conception of the role of a wife. It’s not just about being Molly Homemaker. It’s about loving God and allowing Him to show you what he desires of a wife and mother. Those teachings were foundational. Because I am now happily married to a man who loves me, respects me and who put a ring on it as soon as he could! He proposed in 7 months to be exact and in looking back on my journey, it’s remarkable. I spent 7 years doing things my way and it resulted in complete mess, but in 7 months of doing things God’s way, He turned it all around. I had lost myself in that man, but through grace, I found myself in God. I am now blessed to have 2 amazing children and everything has come full circle. God has given me beauty for ashes…..and joy for my pain. Moving forward, there is only one thing that I ask of you: Don’t ever underestimate your worth.

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